we open the windows. we fuck in the morning, if there’s time. i will drink my coffee half decaf so i don’t dissociate when you kiss me goodbye. i attend lectures about hope spots and cry when i talk about the ocean. i fuck you with intention. you move in me in ways no one ever has. i suck on my fingers when you fuck me because being fucked makes me hungry and it’s a nice bonus that you think it’s hot. i kiss the back of your neck while you’re working. when we fight it’s short lived because i can’t hold a grudge and i never want to misunderstand you. we have a small garden and i touch the plants like they’re my children, sometimes this makes me cry, too. you don’t mind how much i cry because you understand my conversation with the world is bittersweet and intense but mostly beautiful. you don’t mind that the ocean is the true love of my life. you don’t mind that i need to slip into the water naked at least twice a week because it’s medicine for me. you watch me take off my clothes and you know it’s for you because of the way i look at you. i bake for you so that you’re fed and so that our house always smells like a home. i take care of you even when it’s hard. sometimes i’m moody. sometimes my brain turns me grey. you know that i can find my way out and that i don’t need you but i want you and you kiss me when i can’t get out of bed. my stubbornness pisses you off. i always say what i mean but sometimes i say too much. i will always tell you when you’ve made me angry because i don’t believe in resentment. when we slip into bed together it’s warm and i touch you exactly how you like it. i give you head but not everyday. when we fuck, i give you all of me. when you’re gone, your absence is not my enemy, your life is yours and i am grateful when you share it with me. when you’re gone i will send you nudes no one has ever seen. you drive me crazy, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not. you will always know how i feel because i am terrified of regret. the only time i tell you to shut up is when i’m writing, otherwise i want to hear everything you say. you amaze me all the time and i tell you. sometimes i forget things, i show up late, i retreat into myself for long periods, i struggle to take my meds, i can’t eat. the fact that i can never sleep worries you. i take good care of myself but my illness is still chronic and you understand that and even though you secretly wish you could change it you don’t say that to me because you understand that is ableist. i write poems about you and paint for you and fill our life with books and music. we laugh a lot and never with ill will. i never say things i don’t mean out of anger, i take a walk instead. the seven years i spent in therapy made me annoyingly communicative. i encourage you to do what’s best for you and i never keep you from it. our love is interdependent, we are connected but we don’t rely on each other, we inform each other. you think i’m crazy for swimming in the ocean at night. i hold your hand when you’re scared. i understand all your fears except for thalassophobia. i respect your thalassophobia anyways, if that’s how you feel. i don’t expect your body to do anything except be a body. i hold you when you need me and i fuck off when you don’t. i expect you to treat me well. i will always have your back and i will tell you when you’re wrong because that is part of having your back. sometimes we take each other for granted. sometimes we catch ourselves. sometimes we don’t. sometimes i will hurt your feelings, sometimes you will hurt mine. love can be both mundane and devastating. the risk is in the reward. i will love you forever even when you kind of suck. my taste in music is good but my taste in movies is terrible. i won’t make  you watch Titanic with me unless you want to. but you will commemorate April 15th with me. you will forgive me for thinking making the bed is pointless. you might have to run to keep up with how fast i walk when i’m anxious. you know that my resting bitch face is only sometimes pointed at you. i will kiss you in ways you have never been kissed because a kiss is a word and i want you to really, really hear it. my heart is hungry for you. i will do anything for you except for let you lie to me. i won’t need you but i will want you so much you will feel needed. you will never suffer anything alone. our house will smell like cinnamon because it’s my favourite smell and camp fire because that’s how my perfume smells. you will remind me of everything. you will make me think about the world. the world will get wider when i see it through your eyes. i will not change for you and i will never ask you to change for me. i will let you into my heart, even when it’s scary and i will help you be brave, too. i will catch you. 

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